Alone at Parties

I usually dance alone at parties. It makes me feel free not to be surrounded by a million other sweaty bodies. My arms expand before me, pushing people away. I bounce my head along to the beat of the speakers. I feel the lyrics in my veins like an addict shooting up heroin. Sometimes I feel like my dancing is embarrassing. Maybe I can’t feel the rhythm. Maybe I look better in my head. Maybe I scare people with my erratic movements. 

I usually drink alone at parties. It makes me feel less awkward when I come back for thirds. No one is there to judge me. I make sure that I don’t spend too much time around the bar or the drink table. That way, no one even notices that I’ve had much more than everyone else to drink. My hands clutch and crunch the red Solo cups once I finish my seltzer. The condensation coats my fingers like the sweat on my forehead. I feel the drinks start to make their way into my bloodstream. I wonder what my liver looks like underneath all of my organs. Maybe I look like an alcoholic. Maybe I’m draining the host's supply of seltzers. Maybe I scare people with how much I drink. 

I usually stand alone at parties. It makes me feel like a loser when I creepily watch over the crowd. That’s why I dance so much—no one can even try to talk to me since I’m moving so much. My foot awkwardly taps the floor as my eyes scan over the people around me. I know that I look like a loser, which pains me even more. I’m not socially anxious; I just don’t know how to start a conversation. I feel like I have nothing in common with the people around me. I’m too weird. I’m too self-conscious. I’m too self-absorbed. Maybe everyone else wants to talk to me, but they’re afraid as well. Maybe I walk away from people before they can open their mouths. Maybe no one even notices me in the first place. 

I’m usually alone at parties. I’m usually lying to myself, telling myself that I’m cool. Telling myself that people are just intimidated. Telling myself that people find me attractive. Telling myself that I look good when I’m dancing. Telling myself that it’s cool to drink so much. Telling myself that no one cares that I’m standing alone. Maybe I’m the most imitating person on the face of this earth. Maybe my face makes people blush to the point that they can’t look at me. 

Or maybe… maybe I’m just too in my head.